Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
