I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
