She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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