i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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