It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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