You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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