I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
