I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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