my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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