sarcasm needs its own font
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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