Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
