Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
