Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
