tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
