The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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