Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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