This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
