I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
