if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
