I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
