I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
