whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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