Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
