it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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