He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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