How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
