how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she told me i tasted like america
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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