my room smells like sperm. sweet.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
