its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
