That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
