please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
