there's paper in my vomit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
