Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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