im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
