haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
