U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
