Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
