State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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