Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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