I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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