You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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