so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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