Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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