When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
