I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
