Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
