My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
