I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The Olympian is in my bed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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