I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
