I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
