Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
