i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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